defocused retail items

So. Many. Choices.
Endless rows of options. Some information is readily accessible. But the information you really want—about the experience, what will it feel like—is only available to those willing to give it a try. I could choose well, and my life will improve. But what if I choose poorly, wasting my hard-earned money and precious time? What if I can’t decide and leave empty-handed? Would I be better off without this anyway? But maybe I’ll miss out if I don’t even try? Am I talking about grocery shopping, you may be wondering? Or finding the right therapist online? Both. And more.

I was standing in the vast condiment section of the grocery store when the parallels dawned on me: So many options. Not enough information. Take a chance and hope for the best. Or drag your feet, leave empty handed, and that’s ok too…until it’s not ok, and you’re back here in this same spot, searching yet again for the missing ingredient.

As a clinical psychologist and a therapy client myself, I understand the struggle to find the right therapist. As a therapist embedded in a primary care practice, helping clients in their search for the right type of therapy or a long-term therapist is an important part of my role. I have been privileged to work on my own struggles with talented therapists as well, which is both personally gratifying and professionally imperative. Therapy is a tool that helps me maintain my instrument: my ability to use what I’m thinking/feeling/noticing as a way to connect with my client’s experience. When people comment on how hard it can be to find a good therapist, I get it.

Clients want inside information about the best available therapists. Rightfully so. I do too. Whenever I hear good things about a therapist, I look them up and then wait, hoping to hear more good things. All I know for sure is that this provider has one good review. It’s not nothing, but is it really something?

I understand why people assume I’m in the know about providers in the community. I do have more information than most non-clinicians about local mental health resources. But, more often than not, I don’t have the information people are looking for. Just as I wouldn’t expect to be able to pick out the right brand of pasta sauce at the grocery store for them, I can’t predict how well this person and their new therapist will mesh. Will it feel comfortable, safe, growth-oriented, nurturing, just right to work with this therapist? I hope so. I want that for you. I want that for me. People want certainty. “You and me both,” I respond.

Here’s what I offer them instead:

1. Start by clearing out the low-hanging fruit.
Online therapist directories like Psychology Today and Therapy Den allow you to filter providers using criteria such as insurance, location, types of therapy, and more. By setting your criteria, you can focus on a pool of candidates who are more likely to be a good fit. Using your insurance? Many choose to skip the insurance provider lists, which are woefully incorrect and missing information. For example, numerous insurance panels list my name but do not clarify to potential clients that they need to receive primary care services from my office to access my services, which is good for maintaining access for our patients but frustratingly misleading for those who see my name on their insurance website. I also see clients through my private practice, Love & Light Wellness, where my psychotherapy services are self-pay.

How could you possibly know that? By calling me and asking. How many phone calls would you make to therapists before you gave up? And how many of them would call you back? I recognize that some providers are very busy and do not get back to you. As hard as that is when you’re struggling and in need of support, you may want to think of this as a useful data point. If this provider is so busy that they can’t return my phone call, how available might they be if I needed support between visits? Customer service matters; it shows how attuned the provider is to you and your experience. Furthermore, errors that cause ruptures in relationships also create opportunities for repair, which, when handled well, can tell you much about the provider. Take note.

2. Consider your ideal therapist / therapy situation
Logistics Therapy needs to fit into your schedule. You need a therapist whose availability matches yours consistently. If this is going to be an issue, it’s best to move on. Whether it’s the patient or provider who is trying to be flexible to make it work, bypassing our boundaries (including schedule boundaries) introduces tension into relationships. Whenever possible, it’s best to start off on the same page logistically. If your schedules don’t jibe but you’re determined to make it work, then you and your therapist can work through what comes up around boundaries.

Therapist Demographics
Do you have preferences regarding which demographic qualities (e.g., gender, race, ethnicity, age bracket) would help you feel most comfortable? It doesn’t really matter, you might think. That may be true for you. But just in case it does matter, you might want to sit with this for a moment.

In grad school, I was encouraged to consider my “stimulus value,” meaning what my appearance stimulated in my clients. If a client is going to bare their soul to me about past trauma, it would be best if I don’t resemble the person who initially traumatized them. Maintaining awareness of your preferences and triggers from the start can help to avoid obvious mismatches.

Also bear in mind that “what’s IN the way IS the way.” That is, what we are actively avoiding (e.g., “I had a difficult relationship with my mother and get triggered by women so I’d prefer to work with a male-identifying provider.”) may be the exact thing we need to address and heal from. To be clear, I do not think you need to seek out a therapist who triggers you in order to work through your issues. Therapy needs to feel safe. Still, just noticing who and what you’re avoiding offers such useful information.

Type of Therapy
What type of treatment are you looking for? Do you need a specialist in a certain area? Are you looking for EMDR and/or somatic psychotherapy to help you heal from trauma? Do you need an OCD specialist to work on Exposure with Response Prevention treatment? Do you need a DBT skills group to help with fluctuations in your mood and struggles in your relationships? Your presenting symptoms can go a long way to helping you narrow down your search criteria on a website like Psychology Today or Therapy Den.

Perhaps you’re not sure what you need or where to get started. If you’re in an open, exploratory space, then we’re back to the grocery store conundrum – too much choice, not enough guidance. Which brings me to:

3. Take the plunge
Here’s where my own experience with searching for therapists fits in. I’ve had numerous therapists throughout my life, in different phases for various reasons. These therapists were compassionate and attentive, and I could open up to them without feeling judged. They reflected my experience back to me, which helped me to gain deeper awareness, shift my perspective, and clarify my priorities. This in turn allowed me to see where I was on the right path and where I might want to make changes to improve my quality of life. While I don’t recall cathartic moments from these therapeutic experiences, they did help me move the needle in small but important ways. Looking back, I can clearly see the good that came from those therapeutic relationships, whether or not it was evident at the time.

More recently, I have been receiving treatment from a trained Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, which I am finding highly beneficial. IFS uses a non-judgmental approach to increase self-awareness of the relationships among our various internal parts, which facilitates our natural healing process. My interest in IFS has grown steadily in recent years as I have learned to communicate with my parts internally and to heal wounds I’ve been carrying and reacting from for decades. Cool stuff!

As I reflect on past therapy experiences through my newer IFS lens, the following comes to mind:

  • I learned something important from each of my therapy experiences. One therapist taught me that I am more likely to get my needs met if I share them and advocate for myself. Check. Another pointed out that I clench my jaw unconsciously and that tuning into this can help me decide what to do with that energy. Check. Yet another therapist helped me realize that my expectations for myself weren’t allowing enough space for self-compassion. Check. I’m so grateful for lessons, which may have felt inconsequential then, yet show up today in large and small moments that have flowed from those earlier therapeutic experiences.
  • If I had continued working with any of my past therapists, would I have had more to gain from those therapeutic relationships? Research has repeatedly demonstrated that the quality of the therapeutic relationship has the largest impact on therapeutic outcomes. If we cut our losses when something feels “meh,” we miss out on the potential benefit that comes from struggling in a relationship and then finding a way to deepen the connection. Then again, we also avoid wasting our time on experiences that aren’t adding value to our lives. The therapeutic relationship is a microcosm of our relationships out there in the real world. We repeat the same patterns in both. If the therapist feels like a good fit, it may be best to stay and work through conflict together. It will likely bring you closer and then you can get more from your relationship moving forward. They may have a perspective that’s different from yours but should still be able to validate your experience. However, if you share your concerns and your therapist is not attuned to you and your needs, then it may be time to cut your losses.
  • If I had found IFS sooner, would I have been ready for it? Or would my wounded parts have kept me from opening up to IFS in the ways I now can? Interestingly, IFS showed up on my radar a couple years before I chose to give it my attention. The opportunity circled back, as they so often do, and finally I was ready to receive it. There was no pretty packaging, all tied up neatly with a bow on top, saying “this is the moment!” I had to decide to be open, willing, ready to do the work. To self-reflect. To feel the emotions. To heal. And I am.

Are you open to the opportunities that keep circling around, waiting for you to take notice and say, “I’m ready”? Having choice can be both a privilege and a source of stress. No matter what you choose, please remember you’re not alone as you look for the right helper. I hope you’ll take a moment to feel good about yourself for putting in the effort. Life can be so hard. Good for you for taking care of yourself.